I am posting a bit late this month due to martial law which has been imposed by the current High Templar Matchhead Jack. I have chosen to use the instillation of anarchy by the current lame duck Templar to declare myself Lord High Templar, a full 10 days before the coronation.
So, as the new High Templar, my first act will be to dissolve the current administration and restore order.
I immediately had the bylaws redrawn to reflect the direction of my administration and will have them read at the Christmas party next week.
I am posting the reworked bylaws for public notice and for posterity.
The Fraternal Order of the Honey Badger Bylaws
Numquam ponenda est pluralitas sine necessitate
“Plurality ought never be posited without necessity”
- William of Ockham
Preamble
We the contrived gathering of men, thrown together by serendipitous grace of a generous God, establish an order dedicated to the furtherance of men and their general welfare. To promote fitness of mind and body, and secure a foundation of freedom for men, we, for ourselves and our posterity, do establish this set of bylaws for the Fraternal Order of the Honey Badger.
Article I.
Section I.
All legislative powers herein granted shall be vested in a majority of present and voting official members.
Section II.
Clause 1: All Official members have voting rights. Official members shall consist of those approved of by a simple majority of present and voting members.
Clause 2: No person shall be a Honey Badger who shall not have attained to the age of 21 years, have been present at a satisfactory number of meetings, and who shall be a United States Citizen.
Clause 3: Members cannot be official members without paying the dues, which shall be determined by a simple majority.
Clause 4: Members shall choose the officers who represent them at a yearly meeting established as the Guynite closest to Thanksgiving unless determined and voted on otherwise.
Clause 5: The official motto is: Fortes Fortuna Avdentia “Fortune Favors the Bold”
Section III.
Clause 1: Each meeting of members shall be the Judge of the Elections, Returns and Qualifications of its own Members, and a Majority of each shall constitute a Quorum to do Business; but a smaller Number may adjourn from day to day, and may be authorized to compel the Attendance of absent Members, in such Manner, and under such Penalties as each meeting may provide.
Clause 2: Each House may determine the Rules of its Proceedings, punish its Members for disorderly Behaviour, and, with the Concurrence of two thirds, expel a Member.
Section 4.
Clause 1: No Money shall be drawn from the Treasury, but in Consequence of Appropriations made by vote; and a regular Statement and Account of the Receipts and Expenditures of all public Money shall be published from time to time.
Clause 2: A Title of Toofdom shall be granted by the Honey Badgers: And no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the membership, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince, or foreign State.
Article II.
Section I.
Clause 1: The executive Power shall be vested in a High Steward. He shall hold his Office during the Term of one Year, and, together with the High Chancellor, Prime Minister, Lord President of the Council, Lord Keeper of the Privy Seal, Lord Great Chamberlain, Lord High Constable, Earl Marshal, and Lord High Admiral, chosen for the same Term, be elected by a simple majority of present members acting on Article II, Section 1, Clause 7 of the bylaws at the annual meeting.
Clause 2: Before he enter on the Execution of his Office, a badger shall take the following Oath or Affirmation:--"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the rights of men to be men everywhere."
Clause 3: Great Officers of State: Also known as the High Council and the House of Lords. Each elected office shall be recognized to hold the powers hereforewith granted and entitled, but not limited to, authority over the membership. The powers granted are as follows:
1. Lord High Steward-a.k.a.High Templar (or Great Seneschal)-presides over all meetings and coronations. May call a special ‘High Court of the High Steward’ to resolve trials of impeachment of other members. This shall be the highest ranking officer.
2. Lord High Chancellor-A senior and important functionary in the governing of the Badgers; he is custodian of the Great Seal and is responsible for the efficient functioning and independence of the courts. (Shall always hold the title of Lord Falconer of ___________(insert name of homestead) This shall be the second highest ranking officer.
3. Lord High Treasurer-a.k.a. First Lord of the Treasury also serves as the Prime Minister and can designate a Second Lord of the Treasury to serve as Chancellor of the Exchequer in all cases that will primarily serve to protect and keep the crown jewels. At which time no crown jewels are available, he shall be primary protector and overseer of the Toofian artifacts. It is traditional for the Lord High Treasurer to carry around a white staff at all times. This shall be the third highest ranking officer.
4. Lord President of the Council-There is NO Lord President. But same office still is required to wear something green at all times. This shall be the fourth highest ranking officer.
5. Lord Privy Seal-a.k.a. The Lord Keeper of the Privy Seal, just as in English government, has no duties, no role, and no importance. The holder of this title is also welcome to call himself Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster. The position of Lord Privy Seal has been in recent times combined with the Lord of the House of Commons, and the House of Lords; in effect, making the actual title Lord Lord Seal off the House Privy. The term ‘Lord Privy Seal’ is oft used in jest as in ‘it’s not bad, it’s just Lord Privy Seal’. This shall be the fifth highest ranking officer.
6. Lord Great Chamberlain-a.k.a. the Earl of Denbeigh and Desmond, the Great Carver- this position is a honorific title, held in gross. At any one time, a single person actually exercises the office of Lord Great Chamberlain. The various individuals who hold fractions of the Lord Great Chamberlainship are technically each Joint Honorary Lord Great Chamberlain, and the right to exercise the office for a given reign rotates proportionately to the fraction of the office held. For instance, the Marquesses of Cholmondeley hold one-half of the office, and may therefore exercise the office or appoint a deputy every alternate reign.(A Deputy Lord Great Chamberlain is a person exercising the office who is not personally a co-heir to the office; historically these have been sons or husbands of co-heirs as the office has never been exercised by a female, females having been forbidden to sit in the Lords. OR, all this can be thrown out the window at the inkling of the Lord Chamberlain. The office is distinct from the non-hereditary office of Lord Chamberlain of the Household, a position subjugate to the Lord High Steward, and has charge over the Palace of Westminster Badger, and especially the House of Lords, and technically bears the Sword of State at all official events. He is the keeper of the Royal insignia. This shall be the sixth highest ranking officer.
7. Lord High Constable-is called out of abeyance for coronations and prestigious events including purveyor of trials by combat (read slapbets). He is commander of the royal Badger army and fan club, and is Master of the Horse. In conjunction with the Earl Marshal he is President of the Court of Chivalry and the Court of Honor and his decisions on mealtime establishment choosing is word final. This position comes with the choice of having everyone call you by your name with ‘de’ in front.
8. Earl Marshal-Is the Head of the
9. Lord High Admiral-a.k.a. Council of the Marine, First Sea Lord. Combines the duties of War Minister, Minister of Defense, and Air Minister. Serves as the Sergeant at arms for all meetings and decides/approves any and all invasion plans and/or secret handshakes. Is to take the place of the Great Seneschal in his absence, hence the least becomes the first. This ability supercedes the Earl Marshals right to choose replacements. The First Sea Lord (oft times called simply ‘The Admiralty or the Admiral of Toof’) also has the privilege of choosing or overriding dates of important events. This shall be the ninth highest ranking officer.
Offices held in exile or abstentia only: Only Badgers who are unable to attend Guynite regularly shall be eligible for these offices.
10. The Great Maharajah - a.k.a. Lord Knight Marischal of the Aboriginals a.k.a. First High Lord of Expeditionary Forces- An office served in exile or abstenstia, assigned to rule the low country and serve as ambassador abroad. Prerequisites include speaking at least one foreign language. C++ doesn’t count.
11. Khan of khans – a.k.a. Ural-Altaic equestrian nomad a.k.a. Fist of the Badger Khanate. The Khan of khans serves as the conquering nomad and frontispiece for the Badger horde. He is allowed the suffix –‘the Hun’ but must wear the skin of an animal in order to be referred to as such. As frontispiece, the Khan is expected to introduce one new member into the Badger Clan each year and if successful may refer to his recruits as his ‘Khanate’.
12. Shogunate of the Badger Dynasty- a.k.a. Chief Daimyo a.k.a. Keeper of the Bushido Code. The Shogunate, or ‘Shogun’, as he is to be referred as a person and not an entity, is to immediately befriend or conquer locals to indenture them into his shogunate. The Shogun will serve as storyteller and keeper of the Badger Campaigns. The Shogun, who may use the title ‘Bushi’, is to report annually at the Badger Coronation on the status of Campaigns abroad and may deputize up to seven ‘Samurai’ to help keep the spirit of Badger Bushido alive while abroad. Beyond seven will require a majority vote to the affirmative from the High Council. The Shogun is also Keeper of the Sword of State, and bears it at all official functions and at the front of battle.
Clause 4. Lessor Officers of State: In total, the body of Lessor Officers of State are known as the House of Commons. It is presided over by the Lord Justicar General and is composed of those servants appointed by the respective Greater Officers of State. These include but are not limited to:
1.) Second Lord of the Treasury to serve as Chancellor of the Exchequer
2.) Lord Chamberlain of the Household
3.) Members of the Khanate Horde (Regardless of the number, only get one vote)
4.) The Seven Samurai (only get one vote)
5.) The Magistrate
6.) The Royal Order of Archers (only get one vote)
7.) His Gustatorialness, the Royal Food Taster
8.) At-large position determined annually by the Earl Marshal
9.) Lord Justice Clerk
These non-hereditary titles have no function and no power, though still fall under the authority of the Lord President of the Council. Their voting rights are mostly illusory, though they may, if all 9 members are unanimous, cast one vote in the House of Lords.
These titles are manufactured by the Earl Marshal and solicited and distributed at the whim of the Lord President. These positions may be occupied by current Great Officers of State, allowing them to sit in council meetings in the House of Lords and the House of Commons. However, while assuming the title of Lessor Officer of State, they are subjugate to the Lord Justicar General and may be stripped of their title at any time by the Lord President. The only position not controlled by the Great Officers of State is the Head of the Lessor Officers of State, the Lord Justicar General.
The Lord Justicar General, also known as the Lord President of the Court of Session and the Court of Appeals, is head of the judiciary branch, and presiding judge (and Senator) of the College of Justice and Court of Session, as well as being Lord Justice General of Badgerdom and head of the High Court of Appeals, the offices having been combined in 2008. The position of Lord Justicar General is a Lesser Officer of State and, as a matter of fact, is the highest office in the Lesser Officers of State Executive Branch.
As head of the Court of Appeals, the Lord Justicar General will act as arbiter for any argument between Great Officers of State. His position as Justicar and plebe guarantee a decision free from influence. The Justicar can call for a slap bet to resolve conflict, however, the terms and the winner of the slapbet are decided by the Lord High Constable.
This position is non-hereditary and non-chronologically ordained. The badger is nominated by a current Great Officer of State and voted thereupon.
Upon a majority of present voting members approval, the Lord Justicar will retain this office until he is no longer the newest member of the Royal Order of the Badger. At that time he will bequeath the title to the newer member and he shall enter contention for the Greater Officers of State. His other duties include Master Apothecary and Master Historiographer. The title can only be bequeathed at the annual Christmas gathering.
Their deputy is the Lord Justice Clerk.
The Lord Justicar General must wear white at all official functions to signify his plebeness.
In swearing in of said Office, the Official Oath is taken before the Lord High Constable.
The Lord Justicar General is the 13th highest ranking officer.
Clause 5. Rank and Title. Peers are of five ranks: duke, marquess, earl, viscount and baron. Titles (Non-ascribed by the Lord President of the Council) are of two types: Knight (bequeaths the added ‘Sir’) and a random title to be decided by the Earl Marshal. A rotating title if you will.
On the handing out of Peer ranks.
1. Duke goes with Officer ranks 1-3
2. Marquess goes with 4
3. Earl with 5-6
4. Viscount with 7-8
5. Baron with 9.
Knight shall be handed out by some great deed for Badgerdom such as reaching 500 posts on the guynite board.
Titles ascribed by the Lord President of the Council are as follows:
1. Archbishop of
2. Scribe of Toof-The title given out to the keeper of the Book of Secrets and purveyor of daily Badger life. He is responsible for committing all great events to history.
3. Lord Pfiffington’s Grace-The title given out to the errant, polyabsent, Badger who may be either dead, departed, extinct, lost, perished, vanished, defunct, done, expired, finished, lapsed, obsolete, over, passé, inadequate, insufficient, rare, scarce, sparse, uncommon. i.e. a poofda.
Clause 6. The choosing of aforementioned offices will not be held under scrutiny by law or man and must be vacated upon each revolution of the mother Earth, whereby the new appointee shall take his place. The chosen day being the first Sunday following the first Wednesday following the Christmas party, hereforeto referred to as ‘The coronation’.
Clause 7. In choosing the INITIAL Great Seneschal: A jar of mason size will be filled with coins, beans or other similar sized items to the top, a count of which shall not be determined until after the ceremony. A guess will be made as to the number of items in the jar by all council members present and the items will then be counted by the keeper of the royal artifacts/Lord High Treasurer from the outgoing year. The Badger closest to the actual number counted, as counted by the Royal Lord High Treasurer, shall be declared the next Lord High Steward.
The other Great Officers of the State shall, in descending order of those present, be inducted (pending approval of the just elected High Steward) based on calendar year birthday. For example, if Badger A correctly guesses the number of beans at 902, he becomes (as of the official date of coronation) the Lord High Steward. If his birthday is June 9, the Badger present who has the closest FOLLOWING birthday will be inducted as Lord High Chancellor and so forth for the remaining 7 officers.
After the first year, the offices slide upward (number 2 becomes number 1) and so forth. Those who did not hold office the year prior will guess beans to fill the slot of Lord High Admiral.
Section II.
Clause 1: The High Steward, High Chancellor and all other Officers of the Honey Badgers, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors.
Section III.
Clause 1: Treason against the Honey Badgers, shall consist only in levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort. No Person shall be convicted of Treason unless on the Testimony of two Witnesses to the same overt Act, or on Confession in the open.
Clause 2: The Badgers shall have Power to declare the Punishment of Treason, but no Attainder of Treason shall work Corruption of Blood, or Forfeiture except during the Life of the Person attainted.
Congress of the Fraternal Order of the Badger begun and held at the City of Jonesboro, on Monday the nineteenth of November, two thousand seven.
THE Convention of a number of the members, having at the time of their adopting the bylaws, expressed a desire, in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its powers, that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be added: And as extending the ground of public confidence in the Great Officers of State, will best ensure the beneficent ends of its institution.
RESOLVED by the Greater and Lesser of the Officers of State, in Congress assembled, two thirds of both Houses concurring, that the following Articles be proposed to the individual membership, as amendments to the bylaws of the Fraternal Order of the Honey Badgers, all, or any of which Articles, when ratified by three fourths of the said membership, to be valid to all intents and purposes, as part of the said bylaws.
ARTICLES in addition to, and Amendment of the bylaws of the Fraternal Order of the Honey Badger, proposed by Congress, and ratified by a quorum of the observed and present membership, pursuant to Section III, Clause 1 of the original bylaws.
In the first place we have granted to God, and by this our present charter confirmed for us and our heirs forever that the artifacts shall be free, and that our membership shall have their rights entire, and their liberties inviolate; and we will that it be thus observed; which is apparent from this that the freedom of elections, which is reckoned most important and very essential to the Fraternal Order, we, of our pure and unconstrained will, did grant, and did by our charter confirm and did obtain the ratification of the same from our Lord High Templar of a set number of Badger artifacts: and this we will observe, and our will is that it be observed in good faith by our heirs forever. We have also granted to all freemen of our association these artifacts, for us and our heirs forever, all the above written liberties, to be had and held by them and their heirs, of us and our heirs forever.
The guardian of the artifacts who is thus stated to be the Lord High Treasurer , shall take from the holders of the artifacts nothing but reasonable enjoyment, reasonable customs, and reasonable services, and that without destruction or waste of men or goods; and if we have committed the wardship of the Toofian artifacts of any such excommunicated member or member in low standing to the Earl Marshal, or to any other who is responsible to us for its issues, and he has made destruction or waster of what he holds in wardship, we will take of him amends, and the artifact shall be committed to two lawful and discreet men of choice, who shall be responsible for the artifact to us or to him to whom we shall assign them; and if we have given or sold the wardship of any such artifact to anyone and he has therein made destruction or waste, he shall lose that wardship, and it shall be transferred to two lawful and discreet men of choice, who shall be responsible to us in like manner as aforesaid.
The Number of the Greater Artifacts shall be three. No more than three; no less than three.
Any artifact so anointed by consensus or communion after this number shall only be given status of Lesser Artifact unless destruction or removal of a Greater that requires a void to be filled.
Greater Artifact #1: The Ass-tray
Greater Artifact #2: The toeless squirrel
Greater Artifact #3: The duck of doom
The wardship of each shall be given to a new member at each annual meeting decided upon by the previous ward of each artifact. At this time the incoming Lord High Treasurer will take an accounting of each. The ward of each artifact may leave their mark on the artifact as long as it does not impair, destroy, or cause loss to the essence of the artifact.
Amendment II.- The Bill of Slaps
1. A slap bet is created when two parties involved in a disagreement, argument, or difference of opinion mutually agree that whichever party is proven right (or winning party) gets to slap whichever party is proven wrong (or losing party) across the face as hard as they possibly can.
2. In all Slap Bets, a Slap Bet Commissioner must be appointed. In the event of a discrepancy, the Slap Bet Commissioner makes the final ruling. The Slap Bet Commissioner must be someone fair and unbiased, someone kind hearted but not afraid to rule with an iron wrist. If present and not an involved party, the Lord High Constable becomes immediately the Slap Bet Commissioner.
3. When issuing a slap, the slapper must avoid lips and noses at all costs. The goal is for the palm of the slapper's hand to connect with the meaty part of the slappee's cheek or stomach thus providing utmost enjoyment and pain. If you're seeing handprint on cheek, you're doing something right. In the event of a bloody nose, the Slap Bet Commissioner shall award the slappee three slaps to be used in succession. Suggestion: The Dead Man's slap (rule 8.)
4. When issuing a slap, the slapper must not wear any rings, gloves, or other finger/hand ornaments to protect the safety of the slappee.
5. When issuing a slap, the slapper must keep one foot on the ground at all times to protect the safety of the slappee.
6. In the event of Premature Slapulation, (when the slapper slaps the slappee as hard as he or she possibly can and then afterwards, finds out that the slap was not warranted), the slappee gets to slap the slapper at least three times.
7. The Blind Man Slap: If the Slap Bet Commissioner deems the slappee particularly deserving, the Slap Bet Commissioner can issue The Blind Man Slap in which the slappee must close their eyes while being slapped.
8. The Dead Man Slap: Backhanded slaps are permitted only if used in succession. For example, if the Slap Bet Commissioner awards the slapper multiple slaps, the slapper can use a backhand if and only if it's preceded by a forehand. This is commonly referred to as The Dead Man Slap and is the only existing slap that allows the slapper to connect with both sides of the slappee's face thereby earning maximum slappage.
9. When the slappee gets slapped, he/she must accept the fact that they've just got slapped. Any retaliation against the slapper, by the slappee, will result in no less than ten slaps (with a set number to be delivered by the Slap Bet Commissioner.)
10. The most important rule: Enjoy! Few things in this world match the sheer joy one receives from slapping a friend right across the face. Especially after being proven right. So slap away!
So let it be written, so let it be done.
His Royal High Majesty,
Midnight Train
posted by Midnight Train at 11:16 AM
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