A Little Closer Howie!

I had an epiphany recently. Like waking up after sleeping for 500 years and discovering that everything that you have to deal with now, you learned to deal with 500 years ago. Kinda like Buck Rogers. My epiphany is basically that I’ve stopped learning. I mean really learning. I mean that kind of learning where huge chunks of darkness are opened up to your eyes. The kind of learning you approach with wonderment and excitement. Sure, I find out some new trivial bit or fact now and it raises an eyebrow, but never do I become fascinated with what I’m being told like I did when I was a kid. A kid sitting in front of my TV that only picked up two channels, three after dark, and learning a life lesson through a parable told by the Six Million Dollar Man, or Apollo and Starbuck. I might even discover feelings I never knew I had by catching a certain bikini clad woman in the opening sequence of The Fall Guy. (Thank you Heather)

That epiphany that hit me today was not that I was like every other boy in my grade in the shows I watched, we had to watch the same shows that’s all there was, it’s because I linked many of those shows together today in one fell swoop. There was something that all of those shows had in common that I could put my finger on. Glen Larson.

I had seen his name hundreds of times at the end of television shows and didn’t think of him as any more creative than Harvey Weinstein. But it turns out he’s a bit more rounded than even John Carpenter. (Writer/Director/Composer of some of the great movies like Big Trouble in Little China and The Thing) He was the creator of some of the great television series in history, as well as the writer and composer of some of the songs. The man helped write the theme song for The Fall Guy for goodness sakes.

Here are the lyrics in case you’d forgotten.

The Unknown Stuntman

Well, I'm not the kind to kiss and tell,
But I've been seen with Farrah.
I'm never seen with anything less than a nine, so fine.

I've been on fire with Sally Field,
Gone fast with a girl named Bo,
But somehow they just don't end up as mine.

It's a death defyin' life I lead,
I take my chances.
I die for a livin' in the movies and TV.
But the hardest thing I ever do
Is watch my leadin' ladies
Kiss some other guy while I'm bandagin' my knee.

I might fall from a tall building,

I might roll a brand new car.
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made Redford such a star.

I never spend much time in school
But I taught ladies plenty.
It's true I hire my body out for pay, Hey Hey.

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs,
Blown up for Raquel Welch.
But when I end up in the hay it's only hay, Hey Hey.

I might jump an open drawbridge,
Or Tarzan from a vine.
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine.

And to take a trip down memory lane, (roll music) I think we need a montage’ of Glen Larson creations!

He was responsible for, in one fashion or another, many of my all time favorite shows including:

1. Six Million Dollar Man

2. Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew

3. Battlestar Galactica

4. Buck Rogers in the 25th Century

5. Magnum P.I.

6. The Fall Guy

7. Knight Rider

8. Manimal

9. Wait...Wait...he was responsible for Manimal?

Okay, forget what I said.
The rest of this blog will be devoted to a TV show Glen Larson had nothing to do with...the A team.
Did you know B.A. Baracus' initials stood for Bosco Albert? Another interesting fact is that in the premiere they break Murdock out of the hospital to get him on their team and the hospital they break him out of is where they film Grey's Anatomy now.
Oh, and the 'crime they didn't commit' was stealing gold bullion out of a bank in Hanoi during the Vietnam War.

Man tha t sounds just like a George Peppard movie.


Okay, okay, I can't stay mad at you Glen. You did give me Battlestar Galactica and helped to write 'The Fall Guy' theme song which also happens to be my theme song.
You're forgiven! You're just as important as the A-team!

Beedeebeedeebeedee....Hey Glen!

Come take them!

In case you are blind, in which case you wouldn't be reading this blog; or you absolutely have no interest in movies, in which case I have no interest in you, I decided to refresh my memory of history on the upcoming graphic novel adaptation of '300' the film about the battle at Thermopylae. Most of the time I find the truth about what happened more interesting than the movie based on it. Anyways, for those historians among you who would like some ammo to throw at your friends in the theater, here's some interesting facts.
First of all, for my wife, the battle of Thermopylae was a battle between Persia and the Greeks. Now, at the time, the Greeks weren't really a country but a gathering of city-states that kind of banded together to fight off Xerxes of Persia. Sparta was one of these city states. So when you hear Sparta, they are talking about Greeks. Anyway, Xerxes and his million man march were headed toward Athens to expand his empire into Europe from Asia. But not the '80s mellow band. The two forces met at a pass in central Greece where 300 Spartans (hence the name of the film) and 700 Thespians (not these guys but people from Thespia) held off an invading army of Persians numbering somewhere between 200,000-1 million (estimates vary). Herodotus, the father of history, actually places the number somewhere closer to 5 million. After 3 days of fighting (3 days!), the Greek King Leonidus I, drew his men back onto a hill where a rain of arrows finished off the lot. It is said that the final few men were fighting 'with teeth and arm'.
The final casualty estimates were in the neighborhood of 1000 for the Greeks (everybody) and 20,000-80,000 for the Persians. At the worst that means a kill ratio of 80 Persians for every Greek/Thespian. It's recorded that Leonidus said to his wife Gorgo before he left that he knew he would not return and thus chose men who had already fathered children to go.
When told to surrender his arms by Xerxes, Leonidus replied in the heat of the moment (not the Asia song), "Come take them."
This story would probably have fallen by the wayside if the Persians had won the war (after all, they did win the battle, though at a cost) but since there isn't a country named Persia anymore, I guess we know it was worth it.
Men like Leonidus of Sparta, even if hyped by history, makes me proud to be a man. This is the type of man every man should try to be.

In a neverending quest to make a mockery of ancient civilizations, my group of friends have made our own Noble titles and heraldry in the vein of the Middle Ages and my above boy 'Charlemagne' who, if you look closely, has the holy hand grenade.
Well, never ones to let stardom pass us by, here is a list of the Great Officers of State of our newly formed Fraternal Order of Honey Badgers:

1. Lord High Steward-a.k.a.High Templar (or Great Seneschal)-presides over all meetings and coronations. This shall be the highest ranking officer.
2. Lord High Chancellor-A senior and important functionary in the governing of the Badgers; he is custodian of the Great Seal and is responsible for the efficient functioning and independence of the courts. (Shall always hold the title of Lord Falconer of ___________(insert name of homestead) This shall be the second highest ranking officer.

3. Lord High Treasurer-a.k.a. First Lord of the Treasury also serves as the Prime Minister and can designate a Second Lord of the Treasury to serve as Chancellor of the Exchequer in all cases that will primarily serve to protect and keep the crown jewels. At which time no crown jewels are available, he shall be primary protector and overseer of the Toofian artifacts. It is traditional for the Lord High Treasurer to carry around a white staff at all times. This shall be the third highest ranking officer. Sir Thomas More, one of the most famous early Lord Chancellors, served and was executed under King Henry VIII.

4. Lord President of the Council-There is NO Lord President. But same office still is required to wear something green at all times. This shall be the fourth highest ranking officer.

5. Lord Privy Seal-a.k.a. The Lord Keeper of the Privy Seal, just as in English government, has no duties, no role, and no importance. The holder of this title is also welcome to call himself Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster or Lord Pfiffington’s Grace. The position of Lord Privy Seal has been in recent times combined with the Lord of the House of Commons, and the House of Lords; in effect, making the actual title Lord Lord Seal off the House Privy. The term ‘Lord Privy Seal’ is oft used in jest as in ‘it’s not bad, it’s just Lord Privy Seal’. This shall be the fifth highest ranking officer.

6. Lord Great Chamberlain-a.k.a. the Earl of Denbeigh and Desmond, the Great Carver- this position is a hereditary title, held in gross. At any one time, a single person actually exercises the office of Lord Great Chamberlain. The various individuals who hold fractions of the Lord Great Chamberlainship are technically each Joint Hereditary Lord Great Chamberlain, and the right to exercise the office for a given reign rotates proportionately to the fraction of the office held. For instance, the Marquesses of Cholmondeley hold one-half of the office, and may therefore exercise the office or appoint a deputy every alternate reign.(A Deputy Lord Great Chamberlain is a person exercising the office who is not personally a co-heir to the office; historically these have been sons or husbands of co-heirs as the office has never been exercised by a female, females having been forbidden to sit in the Lords. OR, all this can be thrown out the window at the inkling of the Lord Chamberlain. The office is distinct from the non-hereditary office of Lord Chamberlain of the Household, a position subjugate to the Lord High Steward, and has charge over the Palace of Westminster Badger, and especially the House of Lords, and technically bears the Sword of State at all official events. He is the keeper of the Royal insignia. This shall be the sixth highest ranking officer.

7. Lord High Constable-is called out of abeyance for coronations and prestigious events including purveyor of trials by combat (read slapbets). He is commander of the royal Badger army and fan club, and is Master of the Horse. In conjunction with the Earl Marshal he is President of the Court of Chivalry and the Court of Honor and his decisions on mealtime establishment choosing is word final. This position comes with the choice of having everyone call you by your name with ‘de’ in front.

8. Earl Marshal-Is the Head of the College of Arms. All matters of heraldry and geneology are determined by him. The Earl Marshal is "to have power to order, judge, and determine all matters touching arms, ensigns of nobility, honour, and chivalry; to make laws, ordinances, and statutes for the good government of the Officers of Arms; to nominate Officers to fill vacancies in the Cabinet; to punish and correct Officers of Arms for misbehaviour in the execution of their places". Additionally, the Earl shall be able to excise overriding authority once per full moon of the chosen role-playing game. This shall be the eighth highest ranking officer.

9. Lord High Admiral-a.k.a. Council of the Marine, First Sea Lord. Combines the duties of War Minister, Minister of Defense, and Air Minister. Serves as the Sergeant at arms for all meetings and decides/approves any and all invasion plans and/or secret handshakes. Is to take the place of the Great Seneschal in his absence, hence the least becomes the first. This ability supercedes the Earl Marshals right to choose replacements. The First Sea Lord (oft times called simply ‘The Admiralty or the Admiral of Toof’) also has the privilege of choosing or overriding dates of important events. This shall be the ninth highest ranking officer.

Section 2.

Clause 1. The choosing of aforementioned offices will not be held under scrutiny by law or man and must be vacated upon each revolution of the mother Earth, whereby the new appointee shall take his place. The chosen day being the first Sunday following the first Wednesday following the Christmas party, hereforeto referred to as ‘The coronation’.

Clause 2. In choosing the INITIAL Great Seneschal: A jar of mason size will be filled with coins, beans or other similar sized items to the top, a count of which shall not be determined until after the ceremony. A guess will be made as to the number of items in the jar by all council members present and the items will then be counted by the keeper of the royal artifacts/Lord High Treasurer from the outgoing year. The Badger closest to the actual number counted, as counted by the Royal Lord High Treasurer, shall be declared the next Lord High Steward.
The other Great Officers of the State shall, in descending order of those present, be inducted (pending approval of the just elected High Steward) based on calendar year birthday. For example, if Badger A correctly guesses the number of beans at 902, he becomes (as of the official date of coronation) the Lord High Steward. If his birthday is June 9, the Badger present who has the closest FOLLOWING birthday will be inducted as Lord High Chancellor and so forth for the remaining 7 officers.
After the first year, the offices slide upward (number 2 becomes number 1) and so forth. Those who did not hold office the year prior will guess beans to fill the slot of Lord High Admiral.

I spent all day at work coming up with this crap so I thought I'd substitute it for a blog today!
I discovered mostly this from all this research...to be important in the middle ages, you had to take two breaths to say your title, be related to yourself so many times over you were ugly, and wear a wig. Mostly it seems to only benefit of heraldic titles is that if you were born fifth Earl of Grey, you could theoretically kill enough people to become King.

Yours in arms,

Lord High Constable Midnight de Train, Earl of Arkansas, Master of the Horse, President of the courts of Chivalry and Honor.

The newest television series to capture room on my TiVo is also home to one of my favorite voice actors ever...Patrick Warburton. This guy never fails to deliver a laugh from me, all the while playing it deadpan. You probably know him as 'Putty' on Seinfeld, Elaine's longtime boyfriend, but I choose to think of him as Brock Sampson from Venture Brothers and more so as "The Tick".
He plays the live action version in the short lived comedy (9 episodes) but here's the original comic book character he's based after...notice the similarities?

There are many 'tickisms' I use even to this day.
How about these?
Rugged, self-assured, adult. These are the words that describe the man who wears a mustache. Yes, it says to the world I'm a man of action! But action tempered with maturity...like a fireman! or somebody's dad!
You know, Arthur, when Evil is afoot and you don't have any arms, you gotta use your head. And when Evil is ahead, and you're behind, you've gotta do the legwork! But, when you can't get a leg up, you gotta be hip! you gotta keep your chin up and kick some...

Beautiful! And when he isn't making me laugh out loud as the tick, he's proving what men should be as Brock Sampson!
I said all that to say all this...here's a non-complete list of all the shows I watch every week. TGFT!
1. Heroes
2. 24
3. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
4. Grey's Anatomy
5. House
6. Prison Break
7. Friday Night Lights
8. Scrubs
9. The Office
10. My Name is Earl
11. How I Met Your Mother
12. Rules of Engagement
13. Jericho
14. Entourage
15. The Sopranos
16. Nip Tuck
17. Rescue Me
18. The Shield
And during season 19. NFL Football
I don't think I've left any out, but for someone who 'never caught an episode of Friends' while it was on the air because he was too busy, I sure do watch a lot of the boob tube now.


Judge me not! Lest ye be Judging Amy! BTW, TGFT=Thank God for TiVo
Spooooooon!

A poem by Midnight Train:

Without TV;
there would be no inside jokes for me.
The End

An Open Letter to Shogun Restaurant employees
Dear Sirs/Madams:
While recently looking for a place to dine, my wife and I happened upon your dining establishment. First of all, let me say that the 20minute wait standing in the entry way freezing my butt off allowed me to peruse your establishment and pick out the best spot to dine while catching up on the week with my wife.

After using semiphore to wave down a passing waitress, we were finally seated at the opposite end of a hibachi table from a group of senior citizens.
At this point I was able to give my drink order to our waitress who seemed like I was bothering her. not an actual waitress

But don't worry, I cleaned my own fork to keep her happy. After all, that is what's important.
Twenty minutes later and still no drinks, my wife and I were about to get up and leave when our drinks arrived. They were accompanied by a dry attitude and evil thoughts about grabbing our waitress and holding her head to the hibachi to see if it was warm enough.
So our soup and salad arrived rather quickly ( I mean I couldn't have watched an entire episode of Arrested Development) and thanks to your crack team of hostesses, our drinks were kept chilled by the twenty or so people waiting for a seat keeping the front door open.
For whatever reason we stayed until the cook arrived and were blessed with a good show and decent food. Thanks cook. You saved the lives of more people than you know that night.

Yours truly,

Midnight Train

So it's Valentine's Day. Everyone knows this holiday is one of those 'former pagan festivals' taken by the church and add a saint and "presto!" it's now a money making religious event!
I always knew St. Valentine was a saint who was martyred for marrying young couples against the law but what I didn't know is this: Did you know that St. Valentine is ALSO the patron saint for epileptics? It's thought that he may have had the 'falling sickness' himself.
He's also the patron saint for beekeepers. Which really freaks me out. I mean, why does there even HAVE to be a patron saint for beekeepers? Do beekeepers really get in that much trouble? And why St. Valentine? What gives him such a kinship with bees?
Pope Gelasius declared February 14th as St. Valentine's Day around 498 A.D., but the Roman Catholic Church dropped St. Valentine from the calendar of official, worldwide Catholic feasts in 1969. So if you're Catholic, tell your significant other they're wasting their time.
In Korea, there is an additional Black Day on April 14, when males who did not receive anything for Valentine's Day gather together to eat Jajangmyun (Chinese-style noodles in black sauce).
That's what I'm talking about.


Eat your Jajangmyun.

Happy Valentine's Day everybody...or singles awareness day.

Rerun is dead.
Not just the jolly black guy on What's Happening, and not just the eerily looking Linus-type character on Peanuts. The rerun on TV is dead.
TiVo and BitTorrents have virtually ended any chance of me ever watching a rerun on TV.
Our 'watch it when we want to' attitude has killed anyone catching a missed episode of Scrubs on a rerun but instead, we download whole seasons and watch them back to back.
Just last night, my wife and I are so addicted to Scrubs we watched about 7 episodes of season 4 while our TiVo captured Gilmore Girls and House.
And I used to be a DVD addict. I own more than 300 VHS movies and over that many DVD movies and TV shows. I haven't, however, bought any new DVDs since being introduced to the BitTorrent.
Another rerun in the vein of ex-presidents (see last post)
is Grover Cleveland.
He is the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms. Some other tidbits you may not know about him. His first name is Stephen. (I know, why would you want people to think you were named after a muppet if you could be Steve (Shuper Shteve!)) He carried out at least two hangings of convicted criminals. He avoided the draft in 1863 by paying someone to take his place. He fathered an illegitimate child named Folsom Cleveland. And, if you haven't figured this out by the above, was a Democrat.
Was discovered to have cancer of the mouth and secretly had it removed on a boat which required the removal of his upper left jaw and portions of his hard palate. The best joke he ever told? His wife woke him up once (he was one of 2 Presidents married while in the White House, and the only one married in the White House) in the middle of the night, she said "Wake up Grover, I think there's a burglar in the house." He responded, "No, no. Perhaps in the Senate, but not in the House."
His Vice Presidents were Thomas A. Hendricks, who died shortly after taking office, leaving the Vice-Presidency unfilled for 4 years; and Adlai Stevenson. Thomas Hendricks is the only VP to appear on US currency without also being President. The ten dollar silver certificate.
http://www.frbsf.org/currency/metal/silvercerts/602.html
Cleveland, Ohio is NOT named after the President. Grover, however, was presumably named after the president. Did you know Grover doesn't speak in contractions?

First of all, finishing up the psycho babble post:
The box is how you view yourself, the ladder is how you view your friends, the horse is how you view your significant other, and the clown is just weird.

Now, on to more pressing matters.

Have you seen the FBI drug policy?

FBI Employment Drug Policies

You're toast if you answer "yes" to any of the following questions:

Have you used marijuana at all within the last three years?

Have you used marijuana more than a total of 15 times in your life?

Have you used any other illegal drug (including anabolic steroids after February 27, 1991) at all in the past 10 years?

Have you used any other illegal drug (including anabolic steroids after February 27, 1991) more than a total of five times in your life?

Have you ever sold any illegal drug for profit?

Have you ever used an illegal drug (no matter how many times or how long ago)while in a law enforcement or prosecutorial position, or in a position which carries with it a high level of responsibility or public trust?

Now I can answer no to all of these. But only because all the illegal drugs I've sold were for a loss.
Where do they come up with these questions? I should work for the FBI making up exams. Here, this'll save you some paper and time.
Are you a current drug user/experimenter/salesperson/dealer?
Prior to last Thursday did you do any of the above?
Easy huh?
I think mostly if they want to hire good people, they should just do a hair test that will go back a couple months and forget asking. If the person lies they still won't be a good FBI agent but they may pass the drug part. As a matter of fact, I think I read where they DO drug test for admission so why even bother with the written part that someone could lie on anyways?
I'll never get government.
Speaking of, the elections are coming up (Presidential) and I'm sure I'll have plenty to talk about. Keep posted.
I heard one time that some of the questions on the written exam were to name all the states and capitals you could as well as all the presidents.
This makes me realize that I need to know more about the presidents and what they did. I may start spotlighting a former pres here.

I just had a vision of a terrorist trying to infiltrate the FBI by taking all of the training, suffering the background checks, passing the drug screen and then failing because he answered the drug question in Monty Python fashion:
FBI guy: Have you every sold any illegal drug for profit?
Osama Bin Laden: No...I MEAN YES!...I MEAN NO!!!
(terrorist flung off mountain top by off camera spring loaded board)

Super-Duper Deal

Had to make a quick prediction for the SuperBowl.
I hate the Colts but I have to take them. (AFC and all)
Plus I bet my wife that they'd win and I gave her 10 points.
Final score: Colts 35, Bears 14
Worst beatdown for a SuperBowl since Bears Patriots back in the eighties.
It doesn't matter anyways, the only game that matters now is SuperBowl XLII-Steelers vs. whomever.